Not All Exes Are Villains – And Not All Men Are Trash

The Nursery Rhymes Were Already Weird

Remember that childhood rhyme: “Boys are rotten, made out of cotton. Girls are sexy, made out of Pepsi.” Cute, right? Except… not. Like, what were we even doing as kids? Chanting about sexiness before we even knew how taxes worked, let alone what “sexy” meant. The objectification started early and weirdly, and we were all just singing along on the monkey bars.

The thing is, those weird little chants weren’t harmless. They were setting the foundation. Planting seeds. Normalising the idea that girls exist to be looked at and boys exist to disappoint us. It was all said in jest, of course – but the messaging stuck. And now, thirty-odd years later, we’re still internalising it every time we roll our eyes and mutter, “Men are the worst.”

But this isn’t a deep dive into the psychosexual weirdness of playground rhymes (although, wow, someone should write that*). This is about how that early conditioning shaped a dangerous little habit we still carry today: assuming all men are the worst. Especially if they’re an ex. Because somewhere along the way, we decided that breakups required enemies – and men made easy targets.

*Me. I shall attempt to write that.**
**I did it.

Breakups Don’t Have to Be Battlefields

I broke up with someone I loved. And guess what? He’s now one of my best friends. No dramatic exits, no villain arc, no group chat dissection with popcorn and pitchforks. Just mutual understanding, grown-up conversations, and a whole lot of respect. I know, shocking – especially in a world where you’re expected to delete him from every social media platform and pretend he never existed.

We had our messy moments. Of course we did. Breakups are rarely clean. There were tears, awkward texts, a few long silences. But eventually, we found our way back to something that resembled friendship. Not because we had to, but because we wanted to. Because we realised that what we had was still meaningful, even if it had changed shape.

Were there red flags? Sure. On both sides. I was a walking traffic light some days. But we didn’t end things because one of us was a monster. We ended them because we were human. And growing. And sometimes love isn’t enough to make something sustainable, and that’s okay. The real villain isn’t your ex – it’s the narrative that tells you someone has to be.

You Can’t Judge a Man by His Ex-Girlfriend’s Group Chat

It’s become almost reflexive. Your friend breaks up with a guy and immediately it’s “ugh, what a trash man,” without even asking what actually happened. And yes, sometimes it was a trash man. Sometimes it was manipulation, cheating, ghosting, or just straight-up disrespect. In those cases? Flame the group chat. Buy the wine. Send the memes. He earned it.

But sometimes it was just two people who weren’t right for each other. Two perfectly decent humans who tried and failed and still carry soft spots for one another. And maybe, just maybe, the guy isn’t a villain – he’s just a person who loved someone and they both let go when it stopped being right. That doesn’t make him evil. That makes him emotionally evolved. Which, ironically, is the exact thing we say we want from men.

It’s wild how we can demand accountability and emotional intelligence, but when a man offers it – through honesty, respect, and a clean breakup – we still slap him with a label and bin him anyway. It’s easier to call someone trash than it is to accept that love can end without betrayal. But easier doesn’t always mean better. Sometimes the brave thing is to tell the truth: no one was the bad guy. It just ended.

Not All Men. (But Actually, Not All Men.)

Look, I’m not here to start a #NotAllMen movement. I’m allergic to that energy. But we can hold two truths at once: patriarchy is real and harmful, and not every man is a walking patriarchy puppet. It’s possible to be deeply aware of structural injustice and still hold space for nuance.

Some of the kindest, most supportive people in my life have been men. Men who’ve held me while I cried, made me laugh until my stomach hurt, and helped me move house with nothing but a case of beer and moral support as payment. Men who challenge the narrative. Men who aren’t interested in dominance or power plays, but in connection, honesty, and being decent bloody humans.

We can critique systems without blanket-trashing individuals who exist within them. And we can absolutely hold men accountable and acknowledge the ones who show up with empathy, kindness, and a willingness to grow. Some of my safest, most loyal relationships have been with men – friends, exes, colleagues – who get it. Who care. Who listen. Who also love Taylor Swift, but that’s beside the point.

Friendship After Love Isn’t Weakness

I get side-eyed a lot when I say my ex is my best friend. But why? Why is it more socially acceptable to hate someone you once loved than it is to evolve that love into something new? We praise maturity and emotional intelligence until someone actually displays it, and then it’s weird. Apparently healing is fine as long as it doesn’t look too… healed.

Friendship after romance isn’t a sign you’re pining or delusional. Sometimes it’s just what makes sense. Love doesn’t disappear – it shifts. It softens. It becomes respect, inside jokes, the occasional hug that lasts a bit longer than necessary. It becomes a different kind of intimacy, one not rooted in need or possession, but in genuine affection.

Being friends with an ex doesn’t mean you’re holding onto the past. Sometimes it means you both did the work to move forward, separately but supportively. That’s not messy – that’s magic. It’s rare, yes, but not impossible. And if your ex still knows how you like your tea and never forgets your birthday? That’s not a red flag. That’s a green one. With fairy lights and a lop-sided tiara.

“Sure, some men are trash. But others take the bin out without being asked. Balance.”

Let’s Stop Judging People by What’s Between Their Legs

Gender doesn’t make someone good or bad. Character does. If you’re writing someone off just because they’re a man, or just because they’re an ex, you might be missing out on some deeply real, healing, and hilarious friendships. Ones that could surprise you, soften you, teach you things about love you never expected.

We’ve spent so long trying to protect ourselves from hurt that we sometimes forget to stay open to goodness. It’s okay to be cautious. It’s okay to be sceptical. But don’t close the door entirely. Not every man is waiting to break your heart. Some are just trying to rebuild theirs too.

Let’s move beyond the binary of “men = trash, women = angels.” It’s outdated, it’s boring, and it’s not serving anyone. People are people. Messy, brilliant, heartbreaking, heart-mending people. And some of them – exes included – might just surprise you. Not because they’re perfect. But because they’re trying. And trying counts for a lot.

You Are Not Entitled to an Answer – Chaos, Crumbs and Clarity

In this episode of Chaos, Crumbs and Clarity, we're unpacking why you are not entitled to an answer. Specifically, we're talking about the strange little corner of modern dating where a few days of app chat somehow becomes an emotional contract, and suddenly a man you've never met believes your silence requires a formal explanation, a debrief, and possibly a follow-up meeting with management.I have two stories for you. One man who talked almost exclusively about himself, ignored the fact that I was sick, and then followed up a week later asking whether I'd reconsidered his "request for clarification". And another who became offended because I didn't respond to his selfie within two hours while I was lying in a dark room with a migraine. Sir. Please be serious.Because here's the thing. Before you've met someone, you do not owe them unlimited access to your time, attention, reassurance, or emotional labour. You don't have to justify why the vibes changed. You don't need a reason they'll consider reasonable. You are allowed to disengage because something felt off, because you changed your mind, because you met someone else, or because you're in your luteal phase and frankly the entire world can wait.Today we're talking about the difference between ghosting and simply disengaging, why demanding closure can become a boundary violation, the exhausting expectation that women should manage men's feelings for them, and why you do not need to JADE, justify, argue, defend, or explain, when you've already decided you're done. Let's get into it.Key Takeaways:A few days of chatting does not create a debt. Matching on an app, exchanging messages, or talking on the phone does not give someone a claim on your attention. Until you've actually built a connection, you are allowed to walk away without submitting supporting documentation.Closure is not something another person can demand from you. Asking once is one thing. Continuing to push after someone has clearly disengaged is not persistence or emotional maturity. It's refusing to accept the answer you've already been given.You do not need to JADE. You don't have to justify, argue, defend, or explain why you're no longer interested. The reason doesn't have to be good enough for him. It just has to be yours.Pre-date silence and post-date silence are not the same thing. If you've never met, disengaging is part of app dating. Once you've shared an actual date or developed a genuine connection, a simple goodbye becomes basic courtesy. Nobody needs a dissertation, but acknowledging another human being matters.Sometimes they don't miss you. They miss the audience. Someone can seem interested while actually being interested in having your attention. Real connection requires curiosity about you. If the only time they become deeply engaged is when you're leaving, pay attention to that.For more visit ⁠BryJaimea.com⁠ or follow over on IG ⁠@BryJaimea

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