That Time I Thought I Was Fine (But Definitely Wasn’t)
Many years ago, I found myself tangled in a whirlwind three-month relationship with a sociopath. And I mean whirlwind. Think less notebook-romance, more psychological-thriller-with-a-bad-ending. It almost broke me. I’d moved to London full of hope and possibility, and somehow ended up with a gun against my head. Romantic, right? When I finally left (escaped?), I truly believed I was done with the chaos. I packed my bags and moved to Glasgow, thinking a new city would mean a fresh start and maybe a bit of peace.
In Glasgow, I looked like I was doing okay. I wasn’t crying every day, I wasn’t reacting to things like I had before, and on the outside, everything seemed calm. I even told myself, “Wow, look at you! So healed, so grounded! #GirlBoss!” But spoiler alert: I wasn’t healed. I was disassociating. My nervous system had quietly thrown its hands up and gone into freeze mode. I drowned my pain with expensive wine, shopping I couldn’t afford, and hours spent playing Sims 3 like my life depended on whether my virtual self ever found love and a well-decorated kitchen.
Turns out, what I thought was peace was actually PTSD. And the worst part? That unhealed trauma made me vulnerable all over again. So vulnerable, in fact, that I ended up married to a narcissist. He swooped in while I was still isolated, charming and manipulative, and before I could say “wait, this feels familiar,” I was wearing a wedding dress and Googling “Annulments in Scotland”. It took me years to see the pattern, and when I finally acknowledged it, I finally started to heal.
You Might Be Healing If…
You’re Slowly Building New Patterns
Real healing doesn’t always feel dramatic or obvious. Sometimes it’s as simple as pausing before reacting. Or making yourself a proper meal, even if it’s just toast and eggs. It’s choosing to stay home instead of chasing distractions. It’s saying no, not because you’re scared, but because you finally know your worth.
When you’re healing, you start noticing the little wins. Maybe your inner voice is a bit kinder. Maybe you’re more patient with yourself when you mess up. Healing doesn’t mean you’re happy all the time, but it means you’re more aware of your feelings and willing to sit with them.
You also start doing things that bring genuine comfort rather than just numbing. For me, it was making tea and reading in the bath instead of pouring wine and scrolling mindlessly. It’s not glamorous, but it’s real. Healing looks like consistency, calm, and showing up for yourself.
You’re Feeling the Hard Stuff
Here’s the tough bit: healing usually involves discomfort. You’ll cry more than you want to. You’ll revisit memories that you’d rather pretend didn’t exist. You’ll find yourself aching over things that happened years ago. And that’s okay.
Feeling pain isn’t a step backward. It’s part of the process. The fact that you can feel it, name it, and let it move through you is a sign of growth. When I finally admitted to myself that I wasn’t okay, I cried for three straight weeks. But those tears were honest. They weren’t self-pitying, they were cleansing.
If you’re sitting in your feelings and letting yourself process the hard stuff, you’re healing. Even if it doesn’t feel like progress, it is. You’re doing the work your future self will thank you for.
You’re Rebuilding Trust (With Yourself)
When you’ve been through something traumatic or toxic, it’s common to stop trusting yourself. You question your choices, your instincts, your memories. Healing means slowly rebuilding that relationship with yourself.
You start believing that you’ll show up for yourself, that you’ll make safer choices, and that you deserve better. For me, it looked like turning down attention from people who reminded me of past partners. Even if part of me craved validation, I knew deep down it would hurt me.
Choosing yourself, again and again, is a huge sign you’re healing. You’re no longer running from the past or rushing into the future. You’re learning to be with yourself and trust that you’ll make it through.
You Might Be Avoiding If…
Everything Looks Fine (But You Feel Numb)
On the surface, avoiding and healing can look very similar. You might be going to work, paying your bills, catching up with friends. But if you feel disconnected from all of it, you might be avoiding instead of healing.
When I was in that place, everything looked fine. I was productive, I had hobbies, I was out and about with friends on the town. But I felt like a ghost in my own life. I wasn’t present. I was constantly reaching for distractions, anything to avoid being alone with myself. And I mistook that quietness for peace.
Avoidance often shows up as perfectionism, over-functioning, or emotional flatlining. If you’ve numbed out so much that nothing really moves you, it’s worth checking in. You might not be okay, and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.
You’re Keeping Busy to Escape
Busyness is one of the most socially acceptable ways to avoid your feelings. If your calendar is always full, and you feel uncomfortable in silence or stillness, it might be a sign that you’re running from something.
I was a master of this. I filled every moment with plans. If I didn’t have an event or a meet-up, I’d scroll, binge, or shop. I convinced myself I was just a highly functioning adult. But really, I was too scared to slow down because I knew what would rise to the surface.
Stillness can be confronting, but it’s also necessary. If you’re always in motion, ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Healing needs space to breathe, and sometimes that means doing absolutely nothing for a little while.
You’re Repeating Patterns Without Realising
One of the hardest truths I had to face was that unhealed pain leads to repeating patterns. If you keep ending up in the same types of relationships or facing the same struggles, it might be because you haven’t given yourself the space to truly heal.
After London, I thought I was starting fresh. But I hadn’t healed, so I was still energetically vulnerable. That’s how I ended up in a similar situation in Glasgow. It wasn’t because I was stupid or weak. It was because I hadn’t processed what had happened before. I wasn’t grounded.
If your life feels like a loop you can’t break, take a moment to pause. Are you truly choosing, or are you reacting from a place of fear or trauma? Recognising the pattern is the first step to breaking it.
How to Tell the Difference
Ask Yourself: Do I Feel More Present?
A good way to check in is to ask, “Do I feel more present in my life?” Healing brings presence. It doesn’t mean everything is perfect, but it means you’re more aware of your own experience. You’re not sleepwalking through your days.
If you can sit with your thoughts, notice your feelings, and connect with others in a meaningful way, that’s a good sign you’re on the healing path. Avoidance, on the other hand, feels like living in a fog. Things happen around you, but you’re not really there.
You don’t have to feel present all the time, but if you’ve noticed a gradual shift towards awareness and clarity, you’re likely healing. It’s a quiet kind of progress, but it’s powerful.
Are You Choosing or Escaping?
Sometimes it helps to look at your choices. Are you doing things that truly serve you, or are you doing them to escape discomfort? Are you spending time with people who fill you up, or people who distract you from your pain?
When I was avoiding, I made a lot of choices out of fear. Fear of being alone, fear of sitting still, fear of what might happen if I stopped running. Healing came when I stopped letting fear drive the car. It wasn’t always graceful, but it was honest.
If you catch yourself thinking, “I just need to get through this week,” over and over again, that might be avoidance. Healing asks more of you. It asks you to stop and feel.
Can You Sit With the Truth?
Healing doesn’t mean you’ve figured it all out. It just means you’re willing to be honest with yourself. You can name what happened. You can hold space for your own grief, shame, anger, or sadness without running from it.
For the longest time, I thought healing was about feeling better. But actually, it’s about feeling more fully. More truthfully. It’s about being able to say, “I’m not okay today,” and knowing that doesn’t mean you’re failing.
If you can be with your truth without needing to numb it, that’s healing. And even if you’re not quite there yet, recognising that you’re avoiding is a powerful step too.
If it feels like peace but you’re numb and slightly tipsy – it’s not healing, babe.
One Last Thing…
If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that healing isn’t about having a Insta-worthy life. It’s not lighting candles and doing yoga and suddenly becoming Zen. Sometimes healing is ugly crying while doing Shower Makeup, saying no when you’re used to saying yes, or admitting that actually, no, you’re not okay.
Looking back, I thought I was doing fine just because I wasn’t in full-blown crisis. But I was numb, floating, and running on empty. I thought surviving meant healing. But surviving is just the beginning. Healing happens when you stop running and start sitting with your pain like an awkward houseguest who won’t leave at the end of the party. It’s uncomfortable, but it’s honest.
If you’re reading this and wondering which one you’re doing – healing or avoiding – you’re already further along than you think. The real magic starts when you stop pretending, get curious about your own patterns, and choose to show up for yourself, even if that just means making tea instead of pouring wine. Trust me, I’ve done both – and one of them leads you back to yourself. Choose that one. Every time.
If this stirred something in you or gave you a little clarity, share it with someone who might need to hear it too. And if you’re somewhere between numbing out and showing up – I see you. You’re not behind, broken, or too far gone. You’re just beginning. Keep going.
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