Why Are You Always Defending Yourself?
If I had a dollar for every time someone snapped, “You always have an answer for everything,” I’d have enough money to buy myself a very small island where no one interrupts me mid-sentence. It started with my ex-husband, who, whenever we fought, would hurl accusations like he was auditioning for a role in Gaslight: The Musical (Off-Broadway, low budget, no interval). And me? I’d JADE. Justify. Argue. Defend. Explain. Because of course I did. If someone accuses you of being a gremlin instead of the glorious chaos goblin you are, you’re obviously going to set the record straight.
What he saw as “talking back” was actually me trying to build a bridge of understanding with the only tools I had: words. I thought if I could just explain, maybe he’d get it. Maybe he’d see me. But JADE-ing never led to clarity or compassion with him. It just fuelled the fire, because some people aren’t looking for understanding. They’re looking for submission. And neurospicy folk? Yeah, nah. That isn’t in our DNA.
Even in my career, I’ve been told that explaining myself too much sounds like I’m making excuses. I’ve sat in meetings with managers who frowned as I walked them through a process, only to be told I was being defensive. It took me years to realise that the issue wasn’t me trying to make people understand, it was them being uncomfortable with how clearly I could express myself. For neurodivergent people, explanations aren’t deflections. They’re connections.
The JADE Reflex
JADE is a survival mechanism. When the world doesn’t understand you, and people constantly misread your intentions, you start over-explaining everything. It becomes second nature. You’re not being rude. You’re trying to stop the whole misunderstanding landslide before it starts. It’s damage control with a side of desperately-seeking-clarity.
The thing is, most of us didn’t learn JADE from a guidebook. We picked it up the hard way. From being scolded for asking questions, or being told we were “too sensitive” or “too much.” From having people roll their eyes when we tried to explain why something hurt. It feels like if we could just find the right words, they’d understand us and stop treating us like we’re broken.
But the truth is, JADE-ing isn’t for them. It’s for us. It’s our way of navigating a world that often refuses to meet us where we are. We need the words. We need the clarity. Our minds work like PowerPoint presentations on 2x speed and it feels unnatural not to outline every dot point. We aren’t trying to win the argument – we’re trying to stop being misunderstood.
When Explanations Get Used as Evidence
Unfortunately, not everyone appreciates a well-articulated explanation. In fact, some people absolutely loathe it. Especially if they’re trying to manipulate the situation. Ever tried JADE-ing with a gaslighter? They don’t want understanding. They want submission. Every word you offer them becomes a new match to burn the bridge.
These are the people who hear, “Here’s what I meant,” and translate it into, “You’re attacking me.” They treat our explanations as defiance. They see our attempts to connect as attempts to control. And because they don’t want to be challenged, they accuse us of being difficult. Or dramatic. Or too much.
However, they were never going to understand you, because they never wanted to. If someone punishes you for expressing yourself, it isn’t a communication issue. It’s a control issue. And you are not too much. You are just too much for them.
Reframing JADE as a Strength
I’m done treating JADE like a flaw. It’s not a bad habit. It’s not something I need to unlearn. It’s a strength. A sharp, strategic, and occasionally chaotic strength that has helped me navigate misunderstandings, manage emotionally loaded situations, and survive more awkward HR meetings than I care to count. JADE is how I make sense of things and protect myself from being steamrolled.
Sure, there are times when I choose silence. When I step back, take a breath, and let things be. But that’s not weakness either – it’s discernment. The ability to explain yourself is emotional literacy, not defensiveness. It takes guts to put your thought process out there, especially in a world that loves to twist it into something else. It’s not about proving a point. It’s about preserving your sense of self.
If someone calls it backchat, so be it. That’s not my problem. My job isn’t to stay small so others can stay comfortable. My job is to be understood, even if I have to say the same thing six ways and throw in a diagram. If that makes me too much, then they’re not my people. Because when someone finally says, “Ohhh, now I get it,” all that explaining? Completely worth it.
Not Everyone Deserves The Explanation
Here’s the kicker: not everyone deserves your JADE. Some people don’t want understanding. They want ammunition. They’ll twist your words, drain your energy, and still insist you’re the villain. These are the people who don’t want the manual. They want to set it on fire and tell you it never made sense to begin with.
That’s why discernment matters. Save your JADE for the ones who deserve to understand you. Use it when it feels safe, when it brings you clarity, or when it helps you process. But if someone has already decided who you are and refuses to listen, let them sit in their fiction. Your truth doesn’t need their approval to be real.
You are not a malfunction. You are a beautifully complex, gloriously goblin-brained human who speaks in footnotes and feelings. Your words are not too much. They’re gifts. So when you do decide to explain yourself, let it be for your own empowerment, not their permission. Let the chaos be sacred. Let your JADE be yours.
JADE isn’t me arguing. It’s me refusing to be misunderstood on your terms.
You Have An Answer For Everything, Because You’ve Had To
Let’s just say it: neurodivergent people are elite at seeing all sides. We’ve had to be. We grew up trying to read rooms like our lives depended on it. We learned to anticipate reactions, over-explain, pre-empt conflict. So yes, we have an answer for everything. Not because we’re argumentative, but because we’re trained in self-preservation.
Every answer is a breadcrumb trail back to our intentions. Every explanation is a map. And if someone refuses to follow that map, that’s on them, not you. Having words isn’t a flaw. It’s your armour and your paintbrush.
So go on. JADE if you need to. Use your words like the goblin bard you are. Just remember: your explanations don’t need to be accepted to be valid. They don’t have to be understood to be true. And you? You don’t have to shrink just to make someone else comfortable with your clarity.
We Need to Stop Clapping for Basic Decency – Chaos, Crumbs and Clarity
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